There are a total of three people in my life who know almost everything about me. And even those three people, have no idea how much I've been struggling lately. For about the last year I've been pretty depressed. I never thought I'd use that word to describe myself, but it is what it is. For a while I was able to put it in the back ground, put on a face for everyone and hide it. But those who really know me always knew there was something wrong. During the winter semester, there were days I could hardly get out of bed. My grades suffered. I'm grateful for Tod, Garritt, Kara and Tate for being there, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them there. Then I came home and it got worse. I worked long hours avoiding being home. I couldn't handle the pressure of taking care of a grandfather with Alzheimer's. I'm still not sure I can. It's not something they teach you how to do and there were days I couldn't handle it. I felt like my Father in Heaven forgot me. I started avoiding church. I never read my scriptures. I was angry with Him. I started gaining weight. What was the point in taking care of myself? I felt worthless and useless. I stopped caring about anything, and everyone. My life was work, and doing things I knew I shouldn't be doing. I came back to school and still didn't care about anything. Having my own room has been convenient because I could lay in bed all day and just cry. No one knew. Then I talked to Evan. (Side note: Most people don't understand how I can still want to be friends with the boy who broke my heart, but Evan is one of those three people who knows everything. We've been through everything together. Neither of us have been perfect friends, but at the end of the day he cares about me and I care about him. And no matter what anyone says, we will forever be friends. Always.) My conversation with Evan gave me hope, and made me want to be a better person. He convinced me to talk to my Bishop and I did. Without too much details, my meeting with the Bishop made me feel better. I felt my Saviors love wash over me. He asked me to read the Infinite Atonement. I left his office feeling refreshed and ready to be better. But Satan was not going to let me go without a fight. The loneliness came back. The thoughts of unworthiness were there. Tod is another one of those three people and he has been trying to keep my spirits up, but it wasn't working. I started to not care again. What is the point?
What is the point?
Is there a point?
God, if you're there, show me the point.
And then He did. This weekend I was blessed to go to Thea's baby blessing. Thea is the beautiful and perfect baby girl of Kara and Tate. She is a piece of heaven all wrapped in a little package. Seeing her and Lily (Natalie, Kara's sisters, Baby) made me realize that getting back to Heavenly Father is the point. Being apart of an Eternal family, is the point. After the blessing, we all were sitting around the table for lunch and I pictured them all sitting there, one day, in the eternities and having a happy reunion. The point is getting back to God, and getting back to Him with your family. Poor Evan and Sarah, I was crying in the back seat the whole way home. I was crying for three reasons;
1) Because I was not apart of an eternal family, and one of my biggest fears in life is that I never will be.
2) That I, at this point in my life, am not worthy to be apart of the ordinances that make an eternal family.
and 3) I had this crippling fear that maybe I was not worthy of the friendships that I have. Am I worthy to be considered Thea's "Aunt"? Am I worthy of the friendships that I treasure so much. Would Kara, Evan and Natalie's mother, who I never got the chance to know, not want me to be in their children and grandchildrens life? Would my friends realize they made a terrible mistake in loving me and leave me? I was a mess.
I want to be better. I want to be where I used to be. I want to progress. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud. So I guess here comes the hard part, picking up the pieces and starting over. It's not going to be easy. But I know it's possible. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that I can do hard things. Like write this post. It's not easy letting people know you're not perfect (even though I know everyone KNOWS I'm not!) and that you're making mistakes. I need to remember that I can't do everything in a day and I can't get back to normal by next week. Time, patience and repentance are what I need. And understanding from those around me.
Here's to starting over.
And now I'm going to actually read the Infinite Atonement. It's time.
