The F Word

Fat.
Plus Sized.
Big Boned.
Chubby.
Overweight.

Whatever you want to call it, that's what I am.

I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I remember being teased as a kid, not only by my peers, but by my family as well. My weight has always defined me.

Shelby- the big girl.

In 2012 I decided to get my act together. I lost 25lbs through doing Insanity workouts, then I got a personal trainer and did a program. I lost almost 80lbs in a year. I felt great! I was running every day, I was feeling good about my health and my physical appearance. I was happy.

But life has a way of reminding you that not everything can go your way forever. A boy broke my heart. I struggled in school. I got depressed. A different boy broke my heart. I got even more depressed. I stopped running. I stopped caring. I put back on the weight. I got more depressed. I stopped going to church. My life fell apart.

My decision to move to Boise put me back on the right track. I started going back to church. I decided to get a personal trainer again. I lost 40lbs in 2016. I started to feel good about myself again.

But, as I said before, sometimes life sends us a little reminder that not everything is hunky-dory.

My reminder came last week in Walmart.

Titus and I were taking a stroll around Walmart, we wanted to get out of the house but it's been so cold in Boise that it hasn't been good to walk outside. I needed to get some scrubs for my new second job, and Titus just wanted a balloon and to hold my hand. That little boy gets me. Anyways... We bought our items and were walking out of the store. This woman came up to me, looked me straight in the eye and said "Good Lord Girl! You need to loose some weight!"

And there it was. Some stranger just told me that I am not good enough the way I am. Some stranger just confirmed my deepest fear; that others see me and think I am lacking.

I stared at her for a moment, then little Titus pulled my hand to keep walking. When I got into my car, I cried.

I cried because I was hurt. I cried because I was embarrassed. I cried because she was right.

Ive had a few days to process the incident and here are a few things I have come up with.

I do not define myself by my weight. I am a good person. I am smart. I am funny. I am caring. I am trying. These are the things I define myself by. As far as how others define me, that is none of my business. There are people who love me just the way I am, every flaw and all. Those are the people whose opinions matter.

A number on the scale can't define my happiness. There is always, always, going to be something that can get in the way of our happiness. But I decide. I decide to be happy. And this year? I'm choosing to be happy with the way I am, while bettering myself. I can be happy with how far I've come, and be proud and determined about how far I will go.

I am strong. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. I can flip a 200lb tire up and down the gym floor. I can do a farmers carry of 170lbs. I can squat 155lbs. I beat my depression. I fought my demons. I am strong.

I'm going to try and not dwell too much on this experience. People are people and sometimes people are mean. What I am going to do is use this as a stepping stone towards my goals.

I know everyone always says "This is my year!" but I honestly think it's true for me. There are big things coming. When they do, I wont even remember the rude lady in Walmart who made me cry on December 29th, 2016.

The Talk

Good Afternoon Brothers and Sisters

My name is Shelby Park

I moved into the Ward in January but you probably haven’t seen me much because I’ve started actively attending not that long ago.

A little about me:

I went to BYU-Idaho and graduated in 2014 with a degree in Art. Don’t ask me to draw you anything, it’ll be ugly.

I have the most annoying dog in the world, her names Aida.

I’m a Nanny to the best little boy in the world.

And I’m a die hard Carolina Panthers fan.

I’m from a small town in Washington, called Battle Ground.

Some people think “Oh that’s such a cool name! What battle happened there?”

Well it’s named after where a battle didn’t happen actually.

I find this ironic because Battle Ground became a symbol of where things didn’t happen for me.  And ultimately those things led me to Boise, searching for what I’m going to talk to you about today; Peace.

I bet if I asked every person in here, you all could probably tell me you are going through some sort of trial in your life right now. Sometimes life is just hard.

The scriptures make it very clear in 2^nd Nephi 2:11 when it states For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad.

We have the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth today! That is the greatest gift we could possibly have! We have a Savior who loves us enough to die for us, so that we can return home. We have a living prophet on the earth today who communicates with God about us. It makes sense then that if we live in a world with something so great and wonderful, there has to be some bad stuff too.

How do we find peace and enjoy this wonderful, crazy, beautiful life we were given?

President David O. McKay said, “If you want peace, yours is the responsibility to obtain it.” We belong to a church of action. We must not only follow the Gospel in word, but in deed as well. We cannot be Sunday Mormons. So here are a few actions I would like to share with you, to help in your journey to find peace.

4 Ways to Find and Enjoy Peace:

1.     Franklin D. Richards stated in his talk The Blessings of Peace, that an important part of forgiving is forgetting. In some ways, being able to forget is almost as valuable as being able to remember. The Lord said in Isaiah 1:18: Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. Finding and Enjoying peace comes from forgiving and forgetting what others have done, and also forgiving and forgetting what we ourselves have done. Repentance is real, we do not have to dwell in our sins forever. The Atonement works. If the Savior remembers our transgressions no more after true repentance, why should we? Trust me, I know this is a hard one to practice, but it’s also an essential one. Forgive and forget.

2.     Be courageously obedient. Study your scriptures, say earnest prayers, and keep the commandments, listen to the counsel of the prophet. I didn’t attend primary, but I did go to seminary, so to me these are Seminary answers. These are such simple things, but these are important things. We live in a world were it’s “silly” to read your scriptures, and talk to God? Most people will think you’re crazy, talking to someone you cant see. Do them anyways. It is “different” to do these things, it is courageous to do these things. Be courageously obedient.

3.     I’m saying this one twice because it’s THAT important. Keep the Commandments. The scriptures taught in Psalms 119:165 “Great peace have they which love thy law”. In Sister Pinegars talk “Peace, Hope and Direction”, she told a story of a little boy and his father, flying a kite at the park. The Story goes:

The boy was very young. It was his first experience with kite flying. His father helped him, and after several attempts the kite was in the air. The boy ran and let out more string, and soon the kite was flying high. The little boy was so excited; the kite was beautiful. Eventually there was no more string left to allow the kite to go higher. The boy said to his father, “Daddy, let’s cut the string and let the kite go; I want to see it go higher and higher.” His father said, “Son, the kite won’t go higher if we cut the string.” “Yes, it will,” responded the little boy. “The string is holding the kite down; I can feel it.” The father handed a pocketknife to his son. The boy cut the string. In a matter of seconds the kite was out of control. It darted here and there and finally landed in a broken heap. That was difficult for the boy to understand. He felt certain the string was holding the kite down.

            The commandments might seem like rules to keep us from experiencing life. We might view them as the string that’s keeping us down. We “miss out” on experiences that our other brothers and sisters have. But let me tell you this, they are the ones missing out. They don’t feel hope, they don’t feel safe, they don’t feel fulfilled, and they do not feel peace. The commandments keep us safe. The commandments keep us free.

4.     Serve others. It’s not that hard to do service for people. It took me a while to realize that service doesn’t have to be this big grand gesture. It can be as simple as holding the door open for someone. Sending a “hey I hope you’re doing great, is there anything I can help you with” text or even dropping by and saying hi. If you do that last one, I recommend bringing treats, it breaks the ice a bit. Who can be mad when a random person drops in bringing cookies? No one. Another way to serve, and one of the best ways to find peace in my opinion, go to the temple! We have a temple 15 minutes away, do you know what a blessing that is?? Go to the temple, often. If you cannot attend the temple, walk the grounds, I promise that will give you peace as well. And make it a goal to one day be able to attend the temple.

5.     Along the lines of service: magnify your church callings. The Lord tells us, “But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.” (D&C 59:23.)

            In my patriarchal blessing it talks about family history work, a lot. But I always just kind of shrugged it off. Family history work is for older people, right? Recently however, family history work has been on my mind quite a bit because my family isn’t LDS and my grandfather has dementia, and he is quickly loosing his mind. I have moments of panic and guilt when I think about my ancestors. Imagine my surprise and amusement when Bishop called me into his office and extended a family history calling to me! The Lord knows you and knows where you will best be of service, if you have a calling,   it’s for a reason, so magnify it!

So now you might be thinking “Shelby hasn’t taught me anything I haven’t already heard”, well that’s the point. I’m not here to bring new ground breaking doctrine to the table, that’s not my job (thankfully). I’m here to remind you of things that you might have forgotten. I know that when I fell away from the church, it was because I didn’t do a single one of these things I just mentioned. Salvation is in the little details. If we can do the small things, we can do the big things as well. As I started to come back I added little good things in my life, and I got rid of bad things. I have never felt more at peace in my entire life. I know where I am going and I know who I am pleasing.

Life will never be perfect, but that’s okay. We did not come down here to sit here willy-nilly twiddling our thumbs with no trials and no joy waiting until our time is up to return home. We came here to be tested. But if we turn to Christ, our burdens can be lightened and peace can fill our souls. I am grateful for all the trials I’ve had the last few years, because they have brought me to this spot, speaking to you today.

I challenge you to take one thing from the list I gave you, and work on it. If you have to start small that’s okay, just start. Will you commit to doing that?

 

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

The First Sunday: What I learned

Today was a good day.
But it was also a hard day.
I started the day off with a pep talk from my Mom (Nancy Hokanson), a bundle of nerves and a few episodes of a tv show that makes me happy and puts me in a good mood.
I have been going to the sacrament meeting of a different ward for about a month now, but today was the first Sunday that I could go to the ward I was assigned to.
I was nervous.
I felt awkward and out of place.
I felt like I had a huge sign on my head that said "Look at me! I don't belong here!"
A couple of times during sacrament meeting, I almost got up and left. Not because I didn't want to be there, but just because I was emotional and there was a lot in my head.
But I stayed.
I stayed through Sacrament.
I stayed through Sunday School
And I stayed through Relief Society.
I even read out a couple of times. (Whaaaat???)
I've been thinking a lot about the things I have gone through and my life trials. Sometimes I just get plain angry about some of the things I've been through. Other times I get embarrassed because the trials were by my own hand. And sometimes (usually after the fact) I am very, very grateful for the challenges I've been through, because they have given me some of my greatest blessings.
I could make a list that could fill up thousands of sheets of paper with all the blessings God has given me through my trials.
God loves me enough to hurt me, to help me grow.

We read Doctrine and Covenants 122:5-8 (Here's a link: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/122?lang=eng )
It basically states that, even if the worst things imaginable happen to us, Jesus Christ descended below all of those things. And if He had to have great trials, we must too. Trials will be for our good.

The objective of the Gospel is to make it back to our Father in Heaven. This quote by Elder Neal A. Maxwell gave me some perspective on trials and how we achieve this goal.

How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life as if to say "Lord give me experience but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly to not be forsaken - Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy."

Trials test our ability to endure to the end.

So today, with the help of some great talks and lessons, I realized that I am grateful for my trials.
I also realized today (and the last couple weeks) that I do not want to repeat the mistakes I have made. I am not insane, I will not keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Today I learned that I am going to be okay.

Self Destruction

I have an incredible fear of being happy.
When things start to go my way, I start to look for the other shoe to drop.
I've always felt like I was a mistake, and therefore I do not deserve to be happy.
I know this is flawed and untrue, but it's how I think.
I'm working on it.
Things have been going very well for me lately.
I finally feel like my heart is mending.
I'm finding my place in Boise.
I feel like I'm on the right track with my church stuff. I paid my tithing for the first time in years. I'm reading my scriptures. I have bi-weekly meetings with the bishop. I quit my job so I can attend church on Sundays. I received a prompting, acted on it, and it turned out really well. I'm really trying.
But here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, terrified of the next few weeks.
I feel a very strong, tangible pull back to old habits, old feelings, old people. I feel as if the decisions I make in the next few weeks will determine my eternity.
And that is terrifying.
What if I can't be forgiven?
What if I make the same mistakes that brought me here?
What if everyone hates me in my ward?
What if I can't fit in anymore?
What if I fail?
There are so many things going on in my head right now and it's hard to put them into words. But I'm scared.
So I did something that I have a very hard time doing, I asked for help.
I asked for a blessing.
It was everything I needed to hear. I don't need to go into details, but here is three things I wanted to share.
1) I need to continue to read my scriptures and listen to conference talks. My bishop tells me every time I talk with him that the scriptures are Heavenly Fathers way of communicating with me. So I will keep doing that. Scripture study has always been a difficult thing for me, but weak things can be made strong and I'm learning.
2) Be patient. Be patient with what? I'm not sure. I think probably myself, and with Him. I know He knows what He's doing. But sometimes (most of the time) I want things to happen now. Be patient. Okay.
3) My Father in Heaven loves me. Me. Shelby Ann Park. The girl who was an accident. The girl who makes huge mistakes. The girl who falls short again, and again, and again. He loves me. I do not believe that I deserve such a love, and yet He gives it to me anyway. No matter how many times I fail. He's still there, waiting for me to try again.
That is what I need to hold on to.
That gives me the hope through all my fears.
That will be what gets me through this.

Obedience

Obedience. 

What a word. Obedience used to be something I never struggled with. I was the type of person who never asked why. I did what I was told and never thought twice. 

But then I graduated. 

Spending 5 years at a school with such strict standards was incredible and also a little unrealistic. We live in a world that is 100% polar opposite of the BYU bubble and I was thrust into this new world completely unprepared. I was a baby bird thrown out from the nest and my options were to fly or fall. 

I believe I fell for the simple reason that everyone who falls does, I stopped being obedient in the little things. And then I stopped being obedient in big things. 

So now, here I am, a year and a half later feeling like I'm staring over from scratch. 

Read my scriptures daily? Difficult. 

Pray twice a day plus more? Impossible. 

Stop drinking coffee? Kill me. 

Okay, that last one is an exaggeration but its also something I've been thinking quite a bit about. 

I love the Word of Wisdom. I fully believe in the things it teaches and I see counsel in it. I would go as far as to say I have a testimony in the Word of Wisdom. There are so many addictive things in this world and its best to stay away from them.  I've seen lives and families torn apart by drugs and alcohol(many of them close to me). I've seen the benefits of healthy living and exercising. I've seen the addictive power and hold smoking has on people. And yes, I've even seen the power coffee has on people. How many Pinterest memes have you seen that say "don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" or "I can't get out of bed without coffee". It's addictive. 

I started drinking coffee because I thought "why not? I'm already not being good, adding that won't hurt." 

But now that I'm trying to get back on the right path, coffee is one of my biggest vices. 

"The sin you're most protective of is the one that will hurt you the most."

Do I know why coffee is against the word of wisdom? No. But my guess is simply obedience. Because if we are obedient in the small things, we can be obedient in the big things. How many times in the scriptures has Heavenly Father asked the people to do things they didn't understand? "Look at a serpent on a staff and you will be healed."(Numbers 21:8-9)

Here's what I DO know. We have to keep the Word of Wisdom to attend the Temple. 

I want nothing more than to attend the temple someday and receive my endowments. (And yes, someday be sealed to someone I love for time and all eternity. I haven't given up this hope.) This has always been a dream and goal of mine and I lost sight of it for about a year and a half. Coffee may be a small thing, but I am not willing to let it keep me from an eternal goal. 

So from now on, consider me coffee free. 

(Side note: Know that I am NOT perfect and might slip up and have a Carmalizer from Dutch on a rare occasion... I'm human okay!)

Friday

I really like this quote. I feel like it was said specifically for me. I have been told that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I think things happen not for some cosmic conspiracy, but more because we are stupid and make bad decisions and the reason it happened was so we don't make that decision again (even though sometimes we do.) 
Everything that has happened the last year has brought me to this place.
Boise. 
Never in a million years would I have thought I'd end back in Idaho. It's too hot. It's too small. It's not "me". And yet I feel at home here. I found a job that I love. When you get a broken heart, you don't think anything can ever mend it. But taking care of the little nanny guy brings me so much happiness and fills a hole I didn't think could be filled. I've learned just as much from him that he has learned from me.
Will I be in Boise forever?
I sure hope not.
But I know I have some healing to do here.
I'm never going back.

Forward

I recently re-discovered this blog while cleaning up some files on my computer. The title "The Way Back" really bothered me. I know, I'm the one that thought of it. At the time I started it, all I wanted to do was "go back", back to how things used to be and how I used to be.
A lot has changed since I started this blog. I've changed a lot since I started this blog.
I have been stuck living in the past for almost two years now, living in denial of how my life has turned out.
I gained the weight back.
I lost someone who had my whole heart.
I lost my testimony.
I lost myself.
And for the last two years I've thought, "If I could just get back to how I used to be, everything will be okay." Everything would get fixed.
But that's not true.
I've grown and learned and I've discovered things about myself that I never would have if I hadn't had the experiences I've had the last couple of years.
The girl I used to be was a great girl, she was strong, kind, funny, spiritual, stubborn, beautiful and full of happiness. I still think I am this girl, just with different experiences.
I may be a little sadder at times, and a little less spiritual, but I don't think I would have been able to get through some of the things I've gotten through, if I didn't still have that girl inside me. She's been my foundation.
But now it's time to move forward. I can't look back anymore, I'm not going that way.
What I am going towards is a woman who loves herself, and knows when she deserves better. I am going towards a woman who will be healthy, fit and be happy with herself, no matter what size she is. I am going towards a woman who will have a strong testimony again, but will have more empathy for others when they struggle with theirs. I am going towards the woman I am supposed to be.
The experiences, mistakes, broken promises, heartaches and lessons learned are going to make me into the woman I want to be. These last few years have all been stepping stones.
I know what I'm made of.
I know that I need the Gospel in my life to be truly happy.
I know that even when I'm making huge mistakes, God is still watching over me.
I know that even when I don't say a prayer out loud, He will still answer them.
I know that there are people in my life who love me, no matter what.
I know that no matter how hard you try, and how bad you want something or how much you love someone, some things just aren't meant for you. And that's okay.
I know who I am and I know who I want to become.
I don't want the way back, I want the road forward.