I recently re-discovered this blog while cleaning up some files on my computer. The title "The Way Back"
really bothered me. I know, I'm the one that thought of it. At the time
I started it, all I wanted to do was "go back", back to how things used
to be and how I used to be.
A lot has changed since I started this blog. I've changed a lot since I started this blog.
I have been stuck living in the past for almost two years now, living in denial of how my life has turned out.
I gained the weight back.
I lost someone who had my whole heart.
I lost my testimony.
I lost myself.
And
for the last two years I've thought, "If I could just get back to how I
used to be, everything will be okay." Everything would get fixed.
But that's not true.
I've
grown and learned and I've discovered things about myself that I never
would have if I hadn't had the experiences I've had the last couple of
years.
The girl I used to be was a great girl, she was strong,
kind, funny, spiritual, stubborn, beautiful and full of happiness. I
still think I am this girl, just with different experiences.
I
may be a little sadder at times, and a little less spiritual, but I
don't think I would have been able to get through some of the things
I've gotten through, if I didn't still have that girl inside me. She's
been my foundation.
But now it's time to move forward. I can't look back anymore, I'm not going that way.
What
I am going towards is a woman who loves herself, and knows when she
deserves better. I am going towards a woman who will be healthy, fit and
be happy with herself, no matter what size she is. I am going towards a
woman who will have a strong testimony again, but will have more
empathy for others when they struggle with theirs. I am going towards
the woman I am supposed to be.
The experiences, mistakes, broken
promises, heartaches and lessons learned are going to make me into the
woman I want to be. These last few years have all been stepping stones.
I know what I'm made of.
I know that I need the Gospel in my life to be truly happy.
I know that even when I'm making huge mistakes, God is still watching over me.
I know that even when I don't say a prayer out loud, He will still answer them.
I know that there are people in my life who love me, no matter what.
I
know that no matter how hard you try, and how bad you want something or
how much you love someone, some things just aren't meant for you. And
that's okay.
I know who I am and I know who I want to become.
I don't want the way back, I want the road forward.
