Fat.
Plus Sized.
Big Boned.
Chubby.
Overweight.
Whatever you want to call it, that's what I am.
I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I remember being teased as a kid, not only by my peers, but by my family as well. My weight has always defined me.
Shelby- the big girl.
In 2012 I decided to get my act together. I lost 25lbs through doing Insanity workouts, then I got a personal trainer and did a program. I lost almost 80lbs in a year. I felt great! I was running every day, I was feeling good about my health and my physical appearance. I was happy.
But life has a way of reminding you that not everything can go your way forever. A boy broke my heart. I struggled in school. I got depressed. A different boy broke my heart. I got even more depressed. I stopped running. I stopped caring. I put back on the weight. I got more depressed. I stopped going to church. My life fell apart.
My decision to move to Boise put me back on the right track. I started going back to church. I decided to get a personal trainer again. I lost 40lbs in 2016. I started to feel good about myself again.
But, as I said before, sometimes life sends us a little reminder that not everything is hunky-dory.
My reminder came last week in Walmart.
Titus and I were taking a stroll around Walmart, we wanted to get out of the house but it's been so cold in Boise that it hasn't been good to walk outside. I needed to get some scrubs for my new second job, and Titus just wanted a balloon and to hold my hand. That little boy gets me. Anyways... We bought our items and were walking out of the store. This woman came up to me, looked me straight in the eye and said "Good Lord Girl! You need to loose some weight!"
And there it was. Some stranger just told me that I am not good enough the way I am. Some stranger just confirmed my deepest fear; that others see me and think I am lacking.
I stared at her for a moment, then little Titus pulled my hand to keep walking. When I got into my car, I cried.
I cried because I was hurt. I cried because I was embarrassed. I cried because she was right.
Ive had a few days to process the incident and here are a few things I have come up with.
I do not define myself by my weight. I am a good person. I am smart. I am funny. I am caring. I am trying. These are the things I define myself by. As far as how others define me, that is none of my business. There are people who love me just the way I am, every flaw and all. Those are the people whose opinions matter.
A number on the scale can't define my happiness. There is always, always, going to be something that can get in the way of our happiness. But I decide. I decide to be happy. And this year? I'm choosing to be happy with the way I am, while bettering myself. I can be happy with how far I've come, and be proud and determined about how far I will go.
I am strong. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. I can flip a 200lb tire up and down the gym floor. I can do a farmers carry of 170lbs. I can squat 155lbs. I beat my depression. I fought my demons. I am strong.
I'm going to try and not dwell too much on this experience. People are people and sometimes people are mean. What I am going to do is use this as a stepping stone towards my goals.
I know everyone always says "This is my year!" but I honestly think it's true for me. There are big things coming. When they do, I wont even remember the rude lady in Walmart who made me cry on December 29th, 2016.
