Self Destruction

I have an incredible fear of being happy.
When things start to go my way, I start to look for the other shoe to drop.
I've always felt like I was a mistake, and therefore I do not deserve to be happy.
I know this is flawed and untrue, but it's how I think.
I'm working on it.
Things have been going very well for me lately.
I finally feel like my heart is mending.
I'm finding my place in Boise.
I feel like I'm on the right track with my church stuff. I paid my tithing for the first time in years. I'm reading my scriptures. I have bi-weekly meetings with the bishop. I quit my job so I can attend church on Sundays. I received a prompting, acted on it, and it turned out really well. I'm really trying.
But here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, terrified of the next few weeks.
I feel a very strong, tangible pull back to old habits, old feelings, old people. I feel as if the decisions I make in the next few weeks will determine my eternity.
And that is terrifying.
What if I can't be forgiven?
What if I make the same mistakes that brought me here?
What if everyone hates me in my ward?
What if I can't fit in anymore?
What if I fail?
There are so many things going on in my head right now and it's hard to put them into words. But I'm scared.
So I did something that I have a very hard time doing, I asked for help.
I asked for a blessing.
It was everything I needed to hear. I don't need to go into details, but here is three things I wanted to share.
1) I need to continue to read my scriptures and listen to conference talks. My bishop tells me every time I talk with him that the scriptures are Heavenly Fathers way of communicating with me. So I will keep doing that. Scripture study has always been a difficult thing for me, but weak things can be made strong and I'm learning.
2) Be patient. Be patient with what? I'm not sure. I think probably myself, and with Him. I know He knows what He's doing. But sometimes (most of the time) I want things to happen now. Be patient. Okay.
3) My Father in Heaven loves me. Me. Shelby Ann Park. The girl who was an accident. The girl who makes huge mistakes. The girl who falls short again, and again, and again. He loves me. I do not believe that I deserve such a love, and yet He gives it to me anyway. No matter how many times I fail. He's still there, waiting for me to try again.
That is what I need to hold on to.
That gives me the hope through all my fears.
That will be what gets me through this.