Last weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to go to my good friends Open House in Utah. I met Nate my second semester at BYU-I, when I knew nothing about life and thought college was going to be a breeze. We've both grown a lot since then and I am so glad I met him when I did. I was going through a hard time my 3rd semester and him and I went on a walk to talk about it and as we were walking he said "You know what you gotta do? Scream I'M PUMPED!!!!!" and proceeded to yell it. Nate is not a loud guy, so this surprised me a bit, but through the years I have kept this saying in my mind when I'm feeling at the bottom of my barrel. I'M PUMPED! I'm getting pumped again.
I also had the opportunity, at the Open House, to see my other good friend, Matt! Matt, Nate and I were like the Three Amigos. They were my boys! And now they are all grown up! It made my heart so happy to see Matt and Rebekah, and to see her cute pregnant belly! I have no desire to have a baby of my own right now, but I am happy that I get to be an adopted aunt to so many cute/soon-to-be-cute babies!
Throughout my 5 years (Yeah... Don't switch your major...5 times) I have had the special opportunity to get to know some of the finest people on this planet! I have also met some really scummy people... But lets not focus on that. They have taught me how to love, be loved, be a friend, serve, be served (a lesson I am still struggling with), that it's okay to cry, to get back up when life knocks me down, and how to become closer to my Heavenly Father.
As the semester winds down, I would just like to say Thank You. Thank you to all those who have helped me, and been kind to me.
I have been blessed.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
The day everything changed
November 1st.
Ever since 2003 this date has been a day of reflection, prayer, and appreciation. Appreciation to the Hokansons for not giving up on me, for Michelle inviting me to Achievement Days, for Connie giving me rides every Sunday, and for all the people I've met in the past 11 years that I never would have if the events of this day never happened.
November 1st, 2003 was the day I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Today was the day that everything changed. It's been 11 years since I got baptized and every single day since I have been grateful for my 12 year old self at making the decision to be baptized. It's a big deal, deciding to join a church. Especially when you are making that decision on your own. It hasn't been an easy road. I think sometimes (at least for me) we think that since we are members of the Church and we are doing everything we are supposed to be doing, we are supposed to be without trials. But I have learned that that just isn't so.
At the beginning of 2013 I got the strong impression that I needed to start preparing to go through the Temple. I was no where near getting married and I had already received an answer that a mission isn't for me. So I was confused at this very strong prompting. I started preparing and I felt very ready to go. I talked to my Bishop. He quickly turned me down simply stating "We don't do that in this ward." The semester ended but I still felt very strongly I needed to go through the Temple. I was in a new ward so I talked to my Bishop. "We don't do that in this ward because it's never turned out good. I have always regretted it and I know I will with you as well." Heart broken and discouraged, a new semester came and I was in a new ward and a new Bishop and I still had the desire and prompting I needed to go through the temple. So again, with a nervous heart, I asked my Bishop if I could attend the temple and receive my endowment. Same answer. Same discouragement. "Maybe when you graduate. You'll be ready then." With a heavy heart and a lot of tears later on Tod and Garritt's shoulders, I decided it just wasn't time.
And then the storm hit. (see previous post)
I have been thinking about my baptism day a lot, and I have also been thinking of the hopeful day that I will be able to go through the Temple and make covenants with my Father in Heaven. I wonder what that little girl who was nervous and excited to enter the waters of baptism, would think of the woman I am today. Would she hate me? Would she be sad for me? Would she love me? Would she be proud of me?
I have so much to do to get back on track and be the person I want to be. Sometimes when I think of it, the task seems impossible. But I know I can and I know I will. Because even though I've changed, that little girl inside me that knew that this Church is the only true Church of God, is still there. I know it. I feel it. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I'm starting to re-read that again. Maybe you'll join me? It will change your life.
Ever since 2003 this date has been a day of reflection, prayer, and appreciation. Appreciation to the Hokansons for not giving up on me, for Michelle inviting me to Achievement Days, for Connie giving me rides every Sunday, and for all the people I've met in the past 11 years that I never would have if the events of this day never happened.
November 1st, 2003 was the day I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Today was the day that everything changed. It's been 11 years since I got baptized and every single day since I have been grateful for my 12 year old self at making the decision to be baptized. It's a big deal, deciding to join a church. Especially when you are making that decision on your own. It hasn't been an easy road. I think sometimes (at least for me) we think that since we are members of the Church and we are doing everything we are supposed to be doing, we are supposed to be without trials. But I have learned that that just isn't so.
At the beginning of 2013 I got the strong impression that I needed to start preparing to go through the Temple. I was no where near getting married and I had already received an answer that a mission isn't for me. So I was confused at this very strong prompting. I started preparing and I felt very ready to go. I talked to my Bishop. He quickly turned me down simply stating "We don't do that in this ward." The semester ended but I still felt very strongly I needed to go through the Temple. I was in a new ward so I talked to my Bishop. "We don't do that in this ward because it's never turned out good. I have always regretted it and I know I will with you as well." Heart broken and discouraged, a new semester came and I was in a new ward and a new Bishop and I still had the desire and prompting I needed to go through the temple. So again, with a nervous heart, I asked my Bishop if I could attend the temple and receive my endowment. Same answer. Same discouragement. "Maybe when you graduate. You'll be ready then." With a heavy heart and a lot of tears later on Tod and Garritt's shoulders, I decided it just wasn't time.
And then the storm hit. (see previous post)
I have been thinking about my baptism day a lot, and I have also been thinking of the hopeful day that I will be able to go through the Temple and make covenants with my Father in Heaven. I wonder what that little girl who was nervous and excited to enter the waters of baptism, would think of the woman I am today. Would she hate me? Would she be sad for me? Would she love me? Would she be proud of me?
I have so much to do to get back on track and be the person I want to be. Sometimes when I think of it, the task seems impossible. But I know I can and I know I will. Because even though I've changed, that little girl inside me that knew that this Church is the only true Church of God, is still there. I know it. I feel it. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I'm starting to re-read that again. Maybe you'll join me? It will change your life.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Starting over
There are a total of three people in my life who know almost everything about me. And even those three people, have no idea how much I've been struggling lately. For about the last year I've been pretty depressed. I never thought I'd use that word to describe myself, but it is what it is. For a while I was able to put it in the back ground, put on a face for everyone and hide it. But those who really know me always knew there was something wrong. During the winter semester, there were days I could hardly get out of bed. My grades suffered. I'm grateful for Tod, Garritt, Kara and Tate for being there, I honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them there. Then I came home and it got worse. I worked long hours avoiding being home. I couldn't handle the pressure of taking care of a grandfather with Alzheimer's. I'm still not sure I can. It's not something they teach you how to do and there were days I couldn't handle it. I felt like my Father in Heaven forgot me. I started avoiding church. I never read my scriptures. I was angry with Him. I started gaining weight. What was the point in taking care of myself? I felt worthless and useless. I stopped caring about anything, and everyone. My life was work, and doing things I knew I shouldn't be doing. I came back to school and still didn't care about anything. Having my own room has been convenient because I could lay in bed all day and just cry. No one knew. Then I talked to Evan. (Side note: Most people don't understand how I can still want to be friends with the boy who broke my heart, but Evan is one of those three people who knows everything. We've been through everything together. Neither of us have been perfect friends, but at the end of the day he cares about me and I care about him. And no matter what anyone says, we will forever be friends. Always.) My conversation with Evan gave me hope, and made me want to be a better person. He convinced me to talk to my Bishop and I did. Without too much details, my meeting with the Bishop made me feel better. I felt my Saviors love wash over me. He asked me to read the Infinite Atonement. I left his office feeling refreshed and ready to be better. But Satan was not going to let me go without a fight. The loneliness came back. The thoughts of unworthiness were there. Tod is another one of those three people and he has been trying to keep my spirits up, but it wasn't working. I started to not care again. What is the point?
What is the point?
Is there a point?
God, if you're there, show me the point.
And then He did. This weekend I was blessed to go to Thea's baby blessing. Thea is the beautiful and perfect baby girl of Kara and Tate. She is a piece of heaven all wrapped in a little package. Seeing her and Lily (Natalie, Kara's sisters, Baby) made me realize that getting back to Heavenly Father is the point. Being apart of an Eternal family, is the point. After the blessing, we all were sitting around the table for lunch and I pictured them all sitting there, one day, in the eternities and having a happy reunion. The point is getting back to God, and getting back to Him with your family. Poor Evan and Sarah, I was crying in the back seat the whole way home. I was crying for three reasons;
1) Because I was not apart of an eternal family, and one of my biggest fears in life is that I never will be.
2) That I, at this point in my life, am not worthy to be apart of the ordinances that make an eternal family.
and 3) I had this crippling fear that maybe I was not worthy of the friendships that I have. Am I worthy to be considered Thea's "Aunt"? Am I worthy of the friendships that I treasure so much. Would Kara, Evan and Natalie's mother, who I never got the chance to know, not want me to be in their children and grandchildrens life? Would my friends realize they made a terrible mistake in loving me and leave me? I was a mess.
I want to be better. I want to be where I used to be. I want to progress. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud. So I guess here comes the hard part, picking up the pieces and starting over. It's not going to be easy. But I know it's possible. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that I can do hard things. Like write this post. It's not easy letting people know you're not perfect (even though I know everyone KNOWS I'm not!) and that you're making mistakes. I need to remember that I can't do everything in a day and I can't get back to normal by next week. Time, patience and repentance are what I need. And understanding from those around me.
Here's to starting over.
And now I'm going to actually read the Infinite Atonement. It's time.
What is the point?
Is there a point?
God, if you're there, show me the point.
And then He did. This weekend I was blessed to go to Thea's baby blessing. Thea is the beautiful and perfect baby girl of Kara and Tate. She is a piece of heaven all wrapped in a little package. Seeing her and Lily (Natalie, Kara's sisters, Baby) made me realize that getting back to Heavenly Father is the point. Being apart of an Eternal family, is the point. After the blessing, we all were sitting around the table for lunch and I pictured them all sitting there, one day, in the eternities and having a happy reunion. The point is getting back to God, and getting back to Him with your family. Poor Evan and Sarah, I was crying in the back seat the whole way home. I was crying for three reasons;
1) Because I was not apart of an eternal family, and one of my biggest fears in life is that I never will be.
2) That I, at this point in my life, am not worthy to be apart of the ordinances that make an eternal family.
and 3) I had this crippling fear that maybe I was not worthy of the friendships that I have. Am I worthy to be considered Thea's "Aunt"? Am I worthy of the friendships that I treasure so much. Would Kara, Evan and Natalie's mother, who I never got the chance to know, not want me to be in their children and grandchildrens life? Would my friends realize they made a terrible mistake in loving me and leave me? I was a mess.
I want to be better. I want to be where I used to be. I want to progress. I want to make my Father in Heaven proud. So I guess here comes the hard part, picking up the pieces and starting over. It's not going to be easy. But I know it's possible. If I've learned anything in my life, it's that I can do hard things. Like write this post. It's not easy letting people know you're not perfect (even though I know everyone KNOWS I'm not!) and that you're making mistakes. I need to remember that I can't do everything in a day and I can't get back to normal by next week. Time, patience and repentance are what I need. And understanding from those around me.
Here's to starting over.
And now I'm going to actually read the Infinite Atonement. It's time.
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